Dainty Diva
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Once, someone said to me that friends are gold. I believed in her. some time ago, another person told me that friends come and go, and i noe it's the truth. But i never noe this truth can be so painful.
Couldn't get to sleep after having a small chat with jinhui. He left me with many thoughts to ponder over, many choices and paths which is now open to me. I noe i'm a heartless freak on earth who dun give a damn abt friends, at least i noe they do agree with me. I alwayz thought things are the same, juz that meeting ups are not frequent. But now, everything seems to me that i'm the one who made all these happened. It is not that they are too busy to meet up, it is that i'm slowly drifting away from them. I dunno when does all this began, which i believe is no longer impt. The most impt thing is that i should try to shift back. I dunno if there's still room for me, but at least i told myself that i would try.
Sometimes, ppl really do judge things from what they see, how superficial are human beings. I can't blame them, coz i didn't open myself up to them in the first place. Now, i hope everything is not too late and i noe they might juz hate me and din wan to be in contact with me. We are taught to be sympathetic, but how many ppl master that? Not many i guess.
Now i noe there's something goin on, and i should be liable for it, for not sharing and caring enough. Sometimes i really hate SMU coz i find it difficult to cope with it. I'm lucky to have brenda, who is there to study with me, trying to guide each other out along the way. Does ppl noe why i tried so hard, studied so hard in poly and uni? I guess i din share with anyone except for bren and louis. I studied hard in poly to get into uni. Now i got into Uni, i studied hard to repay my parents for their continuous effort in trying to scrimp and save every cent for me to study. it wasn't easy, at least for my family, to pay that atrocious $6400 per annum. Things got difficult and worse when the expenses in SMU is extremely high.
As for weiling, i noe i'm being a coward, trying to run away from reality and life. I've faced far too many deaths in my life. Ever since i got to noe what's the real world is happening, my grandma passed away. I was even bewildered that everyone around me was crying their hearts out. Then, followed by my grandmother's death, something that made me realise how sickening life can be. it's the first time i saw my mum cried in front of me.. The time when i wun forget how they wheeled my grandma's coffin into that big furnace, and lighted it up with fire.. I wasn't prepared for this, and i never expected this. Well.. traumatized, i could say. Then, juz when i tot those old aged family memebers have already left me, and there shouldn't be anyone who will bid me goodbye, i lost my uncle overnite. I saw him fell in front of me from a chair, suffering from a stroke. His bloodshot eyes and the reddened skin as though he was on fire. I picked up the stupid damn phone to page for an ambulance. Brain dead. They declared. Several years have passed, but i'm still crying. Next, came weiling. The same thing, brain dead. She left us overnight too.. I hate mandai, i hate lim chu kang. I hate to visit the tombs and niches. they remind me of the painful past. How each of them left me. Staring at those familiar faces which i onced see them, hugged them, Does anyone can feel the pain and agony each niche brings me? Perhaps everyone will be sad, it's juz how ppl handle things.. But i'm sorry, i dunno how to handle my emotions well. I din wan to cry out in front of everyone to make everyone sad. Once, I tried to hold back my tears, held my auntie tightly in my arms, telling her that everything was goin to be alright. I appeared to be emotionless, but who seen my wet pillows in the nite, the pile of tissues with my tears. No one will see them, coz i dun intend to let anyone noes..
Is not that i dun miss them, it was that i dunno how to face them, face the cold photos on the niches and tombs, reminding of each painful experience. I''m praying for her, every other nite.. i swear i did and i noe she noes..
I guess they wun even care abt my pathetic blog, coz i'm blocked out of their mind.. At least i wrote out how i feel, trying to coax myself to sleep. One day, i will sort things out with them.. Coz they are indeed very important and i'm sorry for taking them for granted... I really hope that apologies still work, explanations still accepted. I dunno how to go abt doin it, but i promised myself that i would try.. I'm sorry.
