Dainty Diva
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
... i dunno what had happened to me ...
I'm starting to grumble abt anything.. feel sick of everything.. I wanted to find him to talk.. yet when i called him.. i dunno what to sae to him.. i juz can't talk to him... what is happening to me?? Sometimes i realli feel i'm a alien... i juz can't understand myself...
Can i juz stop being so temperamental?? can i stop be so irritrating?? I'm realli goin crazy....
It was an early morning when i struggled to wake up... pulling myself away from my comfy bed... reached yishun MRT station when the rain started pouring down.. No choice but to take a bus down... Reached there got to know more abt the organization.. not too bad...
Decided to get down with the poster thingy... decided to call for a meeting at 3... everyone said they can make it... but as usual the onli one din turn up... she is goin to be dead meat if she fails to give us the proposal which she volunteered to do... Daryl was quite nasty towards her... haha... He kept emphasising that pls dun be late for the thrudae meeting... hahaa...
Anyway... was realli tired.. and tml will be another dae of 8.30 to 7...
I'm dying...
Monday, August 29, 2005
I was sitting in the class... listening sth familiar.. sth i remember back in my mind.. but at front of my mind.. i can't remember... eat Earning per share... everything... Oh god... i'm dying... All those formulas.. goin to kill me soon...
Starting to noe more abt my classmates.. but i still din speak up in class... oh no.. i guess i better speak up ... if not there goes my participation marks... haiz... So thankful to one of my frien.. he sent me home... when i saw his car.. i was shocked.. $1 coupons occupying the whole stretch of his car screen there... i've counted... 10 bucks of coupons... wah!!!! somemore got ERP lehz.... haha...
Wanted to have lunch with Adrian... but he was in sch when i called him... haiz.. i tot he still sleeping then dun dare to call him.. juz hope to let him sleep a bit longer more... who noes... haiz... i guess i will have to wait till next week to see him...
Sunday, August 28, 2005
It's out first year anniversary... and the memorable thing we gave to each other was quarrel..
I don't know why.. i suddenly thought of the girl.. mentioned abt the girl... and everything goes and ends unhappily..
I hate to hear her name.. to Me.. she is realli a girl whom i can't trust.. someone who is so BHB.. someone alwayz dependent on the others... I know i'm bad to bitch abt her.. but.. i really really hate to remember those things happened in the past. I juz wanted to know why.. i alwayz like to ask why... i alwayz wanted to get to know the bottom of the everything.. no matter in studies or my personal life..
I juz hope to understand why he is willing to do so much things for her... even caring for her.. i know.. i get jealous easily.. perhaps i shld refrain myself from asking all these questions.. He said that they are juz friends and nuthing more.. He said this and that.. assuring me this and that... when i started to put more trust in him... he misplaced them... breaking my heart..
He smsed me... not to mention her name again... I really noe myself... unless i get things really cleear.. if not.. i will still ask.. i will still prompt... i will still find an answer... U can scream all u wan at me... or even slap me if u are happy.. but that's me.. I'm alwayz me..
Saturday, August 27, 2005
20 mins exactly before our first year anniversary... I really thought we could have a memorable countdown towards our anniversary.. afterall.. it is the first time we are together for one continuous year... After parting and coming together.. i thought after the first year.. everything will go smoothly..
Just before we went in for the steamboat buffet.. his phone rang... there's SMS.. His friend passed away... I feel sad for him.. i feel dissappointed as well.. i noe... what i'm hoping for will be gone with the wind.. I can't smile...
He had to be there before 12pm tomolo... i dun wan him to rush there tomolo morning coz i noe he wun be able to wake up.. i hate to let him go tonite.. i'm selfish... In the end... i still let him go.. i wanted so much to hide my unhappiness and disappointment.. but i juz can't smile... I juz merely told him that i'm tired.. but in fact... i'm juz the opposite... i'm too awake.. too awake to feel disappointed..
I realli feel sorry and sad for that guy.. But i'm ridiculously selfish..
Friday, August 26, 2005
Had my first week of sch... and also my first project on my first week of sch...
Went over to meet my project team mates for the discussion.. i really feel that international students do not noe what is discussion... there's this girl who is late for more than 1 hour... no apologies.. nuthing and then she sat down.. kept asking what are we goin to do and kept asking me if that's all for todae... kaoz... i hate this kind of ppl... i realli realli started to have bad impression of her.. and then... we are suppose to go to the community service org on monday.. she said she dunno singapore well and do not want to go... fine... when we said that we are goin todae... she said that she got sth on later.. fine...
She din bring anything.. she practically juz brought herself there... haiz... she said that we can meet up each dae for half an hour each... coz she said that she got sch everydae... wat the hell... all the other ppl there are almost 4 daes week lor... selfish... then one of the grp mate said that almost everyone of us here is having 3 to 4 daes week and 1/2hr each is too little... haha....
She basically din look up any org.. wat the hell... we are on terms that we will each look for 3...
she juz act blur... realli hate to have this kind of grp mates.. haiz...
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
oh ya.. sch have started... and i feel i'm in the wrong place... everyone is practising a proactive education system whereby u can juz raise ur hand at anytime to stop the prof to ask questions and those actually counted in ur participation grades which stands 25%...
I've got a cultural shock... i told myself... i need to overcome this... how much have i done and work hard for the place in SMU... Anyway.. i'm getting to learn english as those ppl are english speaking... they speak english as if they eat potato... I juz got home from one of the communication lesson which requires us to do written and oral com... compared to them.. i gues... i might fall right to the back... oh shit...
Goin back to sch to have my last lesson for the dae and for the week and then go over to meet for jiayi birthdae... i've started to speak more english as the environment really influence and changes me.. hahaa.... really hope i'll be able to see improvements in my English...
Met up with qiujin and huiling for dinner... it had been a long time since i met up with qiujin.. as usual... old friends click easily... it seems so close and usual despite the long long time.. haha... that's good abt old friends.. haha.. anyway... got myself nail polish again.. hehe...
Have to get out of my house... get dressed and hop to the train and head for SMU again...
School really sux... let me juz get some gers friends... i'm getting freak out.. coz there are onli 5 girls out of a class of 38... It's so abnormal... very abnormal... haiz...
Sunday, August 21, 2005
I've spent more than i earned.... i earned 30 bucks.. but i spend almost 50 le bah... bought myself a pair of shoes from x'dous at ard 10 bucks. then bought nail polish remover... then bought those nail art thingy.. and had my nice nice tom yam soup at one of the thai restaurant..
Haha... poor huiling ordered the pineapple rice... it came with onli one pathetic prawn on the plate with little rice.. haha... we were so shocked.. and the waiter actually thought that he delivered sth wrong.. haha... but my tom yam soup with stick noodle is quite nice... yammi yummi... we went over to rocky master hoping to get our mango tango when we saw simply thai.. we were so so =_="""
Anyway... was a nice but tiring dae coz we din eat snake as much as yesterdae... coz the supervisor's daughter, cheryl was there... then we dun dare to eat snake.. haha.. anyway... we goin to work together... I realli agree with huiling... secondary sch friends are good girl friends... i dun feel distant when i'm with them... hehee... nice nice..
i love my friends hehe...
Promise was Broken.. and so is my heart...
It wasn't racheal's fault.. i should thank racheal.. for telling me sth which had been kept so secretly by him.. I was realli unhappy todae.. i doesn't wanted to spoil their mood.. so i acted as nuthing had happened.. When she first told me that she met adrian that dae in zouk.. I was luffing saying how can it be possible.. He will never lie to me and each nite i actually called him up. I kept telling myself.. Maybe the light was too dim and rach actually saw the wrong person. I din even believe it what she said at first.. It was when she said that she was so positive that it was him.. i realise.. sth is wrong as he had alwayz been close with geraldine... my heart suddenly skipped a beat and started to feel sharp pain.
I never wanted to face up with the fact that he actually lied to me. I asked him when i reached his house.. "Zouk is goin to have a party.. wan to go?" he actually told me that he dun like to go.. fine.. i asked.. when is the last time u went.. he stunned.. and said dunno.. judging from his answer.. i knew rach was right... I dun need to ask anymore...
He said that he was back from the night classes and was sleeping when he campmates dragged him up.. wanting him to go zouk.. fine.. it's still okie when he msg me that night telling me that he had no choice but to go.. i wun be as angry as knowing that he actually went behind my back.. especially is when i get to know thru a good frien.. How hurt am i.. what will i be thinking.. I hate this kind of feeling..
Esp when i probed further... i got to know more things.. those are just very little things.. yet becoz he misplaced the trust i've had in him.. all things seems to serious and big.. I can't listen anymore..
The main factor to cause so much tears ultimately is the breach of trust...
Friday, August 19, 2005
it's 5.00am sharp when i was typing away.. trying to get myself onto the bed and sleep...
I realised sth.. this blog.. is no longer the story between me and him.. is more on My story.. trying to vent my anger.. trying to find myself another channel to let my feelings take over me... Life between us had been the same.. quarrels.. shoutings.. teasings.. and even bullies.. As time past.. we spend lesser time on phone.. more time on maple story..
I find myself not telling him anything.. even things which i go complaining and telling huiling.. perhaps.. when things had just happened... i wanted so much to share my joy, unhappiness and sorrow with someone at that particular time.. that's the time he is busy.. After telling someone abt those happenings.. i found myself too tired to start telling another person all over again.. i kept this to my heart.. As time goes.. he knew lesser and lesser of my life.. and.. i found myself.. not wanting to know abt his as well..
I had been a 100% Kpo.. wanted to know every little things such as who he goes out with.. but this time round.. i din wanted to know how has his new class been.. is he able to catch up with his work.. has he made new friends.. None of the things i wanted to know.. it was when his mum ask me.. then i realise how little i knew... Perhaps, i'm used to it.. not wanting and able to know what happened in his camp..
i've learnt not to ask.. i've know how to let go.. i've mastered the way for us to have less conflicts. maybe.. we do not have the time to talk.. maybe.. i'm not interested to noe.. or maybe.. the love between us is no longer as strong as before....
I dunno.. but all i noe.. old friends are realli treasures.. accompanying me thru happiness and sorrow.. She is there when i need her.. her shoulders are there to let me rest.. her tissue is alwayz ready to dry my tears.. but where are u?
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
i stepped into the Sch.. it look like an office building.. the gate is operated juz like out MRT. we need to tap our card before we can actually enter the building.. It has several security guards at the entrance... it really make it look like a office building with the escalator. Stepped into the auditorium, i feel so unsure and insecured.. i dunno how it will turn out to be.. as time goes.. more and more ppl coming in.. i saw some familiar faces... some whom i met on the interview dae.. some from my good old sch, ngee ann.
One foreign student actually came to sit beside me and started toking to me.. she is a korean.. first korean accquaintance... she is realli chatty and friendly... somehow i feel... i'm not alone.. So many diff system.. so many things to noe.. i really hope i can complete my 4 years in SMU and not 3.. which make it an honours. but i noe it's hard...
Got a sms from my old pri sch frien... Yishan... we alwayz got mixed up by teachers... esp chinese teacher.. The chinese teacher who realli give me a good chinese foundation had actually passed away a few years back... and i actually cried.. somehow.. she was really a motherly teacher, not only on what we need to learn but how we should handle life, our moral and values.
Oh ya.. she actually called me up to tell me she is my facilitator for the orientation camp but i din go.. haha... she was like... =_=""" she said that she was so excited to see me after so many years but in the end i put areoplane haha...
Tell u all something abt my dream... i dreamt of my uncle... once again he wanted to eat sth haha... i told him why he alwayz let me dream of him and it's the 3rd time... he replied... onli 4 times and this is the 4th... i was puzzled... when i woke up and counted... it was realli the 4th... oh no... how real can it be... i told him that what he told me in my dreams i alwayz forgot... he stick his rough index finger into my ear and tell me to listen up... hahaa... cute rite.. but i'm glad to see him... he make me feel as though he is still ard.. i noe.. he is still ard us.. watching over us..
Somehow... i still cried when i think of him.. i smiled when i dreamt of him... i teared when i miss him...
Thursday, August 11, 2005
i love my life now... sleeping... eating and playing games.. haha... i almost sleep for 11 hours each dae... envious rite?!
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On mondae. went out with my dear hanwei.. tot many ppl will be goin but in the end.. onli me and him and meet up with the princess for dinner... she wear that curtain again... oh god.. somemore in pink color... ppl are looking at her as we walked down orchard... =_= ""
As time goes.. i realli feel friends with slowly distant away juz like water flowing to another stage.. i'm not greedy... i just hope to have 1 or 2 true friends... Sometimes it hurts when u realli get to noe friends who u hold dearly have already demote u from best friends to good friends.. Called them that dae... trying to call ppl out to gather and update as i finished my working life... but some are working and one actually replied me that she met XXX they all on the same dae so cannot.. but the XXX is my friend as well.. we are once a grp.. how hurt it can be.. called the other person.. she said she had given up... so have i... so let it be...
Went to the stupid orientation but came back with a stupid bulky sleeping bag and many stupid paper... heavy like shit... and paid the 200 buckz miscellanous feees... damn ex... stupid school... haiz...
Huiling arh Huiling... i'm waiting for ur bloody call... from sunny dae till rainny day.. now how to go out!!!! idiot.... #%$^%&%*T
Friday, August 05, 2005
i've ended my working life.. i feel relaxed yet boring.. todae is the first dae of my holiday.. hehe.. went back to ngee ann to collect my cert.. and i got the scroll as well.. haha.. i took out my transcript.. i was somehow disappointed.. my GPA is onli 3.4786... i glanced thru my results of each sem.. i r4ealli realise.. it was my year 2 semesters which drag down my GPA... haiz..
I went to SSDC.. book my advanced theory. but i need to pay extra $5.25 coz they need to renew my enrolment thing.. kaoz... $%$##!!^^&
Anyway.. it was on the 3rd of sep.. realli hope i will be able to pass it.. haha..
I wanted to go library.. perhaps later... perhaps another dae... wanted to meet up with my friends.. yet i realise they are so distant.. some are working.. some have new groups of friend.. i've given up.. all i want is quality friends not quantity friends.. so it's okie.. but i still miss u all...
*contradiction* OoPz.. it's a name of calvin klein perfume.. but that realli describe the feeling i'm having..
