Dainty Diva
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Went Ikea today and it was freaking crowded as it's having sales now. Actually, i dun see many things on sales, the prices of the products are still the same. Had the yummy swedish meatballs, sth that she loved to eat.
I seriously need some sleep, my brain is protesting and on the verge of hibernation. Ooohz, i meeting the dentist on friday for a braces checkup thingy... hahaa.. i''m goin to have my braces on!!! SMILE....
Saturday, July 29, 2006
brenda should be on her way back to Singapore.. Hope that she will have a safe and comfy journey =)
Couldn't get to sleep, thinking abt many things. Some of them made me smiled, some of them made my heart ached.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
hmm.. now when i read my yesterday post, i realized i mentioned i goin for the talk today hahaa.. but actually i already went for the talk the day before.. the tomolo actually means yesterday... I was really too tired yesterday..
HAHAA.... sweet huiling is goin to organize a gathering on saturday!!!! Really hope those ladies can make it.. hahaa.. shopping and high tea time!!! we really sound like tai tai.. well, i guess all girls want to be tai tai.. hahaa...
LALALLALALALA...... enjoying myself!!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
lalalallalaaa.... went for a comms service talk tomolo, trying to clear the damn 80 hours of comms service. hehe.. Well, things went on quite well except that my dear bren was not in singapore to attend this talk. Actually, many ppl din attend the talk last evening, but still saw some familiar faces.. Well.. there are many many diff booths and games, in the end, louis and I are required to prepare and decorate one of it.. hmm.. bren and wah wah will most prob be doin ushering.. i wan ushering, coz i dun need to decorate the booths or preapre any quipements or stuff like that.. I'm plain lazy..
Hmm.. got to go back to school on the 5th till late evening and got to go to that primary on 7th and 8th of august.. Hmm.. got peg's party to attend to, so my sweet dear said that he will help me to wrap up everything and i will be able to go off early!! then i can make my way home to take a bath and prepare myself for the occasion hehe.. Long time since i meet up with amkians.. haha.. still remember those wonderful memories that we shared, how we luff, smile, quarrel and curse.. hahaa... we really grew up together.. haha..
lalalalalaaaa..... i'm glad that louis is ending his work soooon, real soon.. and got many gatherings lined up!!! haha.. lalallaaa...
Monday, July 24, 2006
SHitttt.... the bloody thing cannot be removed!!! the specialist said that it is too deep inside and will cause lots and lots of bleeding. That's not the worse, she said that my damn eyes are so oily and the oil gland in the eye lid are over active!!! so i will need to clean my eyes constantly with some solution and the solution cost damn ex.. wah kaoz.. this is to be on LONG TERM basis.. The another piece of bad news came, she checked my eyes and said that my optic nerves are abnormally huge and it could be a type of disease... arGh.,.. my damn eyes.. i['ve spent so much on them le.. already more than 1000 bucks.. i dun understand what's wrong with those stupid eyes...
Need to go for a followup session But.. the school onli reimbursed up to 100 bucks per year... fantastic, the fees today already almost there... arGh... damn it lahz... i still need to apply antibiotics cream on my eyes for 2 months... then i need to go for another follow up.. But before the 2 months, i need to go for a test to see if my optic nerves are normal... arGh.... damn it..
i said i wasn't, but i am...
I said it's okie, but i noe it isn't..
i told him I'm strong, I noe i'm lying..
I told everyone i can take of it, but i noe things will be chaotic..
I told myself that i will be able to be independent and take care of myself, but i noe it wasn't true...
I noe myself well, no matter how much i tried, i will end up hating things for turning out to be that way..
I juz hope that things will go well, a wan a double eyelid, and i hope i will be able to get it after tomlo's operation... I hope the doctor and kind enough to give me a double eyelid when removing the stubborn thingy on my inner eyelid...
Saturday, July 22, 2006
had a long long sleep... 13 hours of sleep... dreamt of many many things and part of it is abt her. We were queueing up for food in a particular canteen like how we used to be, then i was asking her what she wanted to eat, i forgot she answered me chicken chop or chicken cutlet. The dreamt seems so unreal as the owners of the stall was jiayi's parents and jiayi was there to help. Weird dream.. anyway, she was luffing and giggling as usual, dun really remember what we chatted, but before the dream ended, she gave me a consoling pat on my back and said, it's okie. hmm... i really dun remember a single thing of what we talked..
Anyway.. it's a dream, maybe it's real, maybe it's not. No one noes, no one can justify that..
Went out with huiling yesterday, another budget trip. we spent very little money on food, and we din really buy things... good good.. things should keep it this way.. haha.. so that i can save more money. Hope her sinus is getting better and those lousy guys juz leave her alone..
Congrats ger... u have been doin a great job in staying on to this job, jiayou man.. hahaa...
Thursday, July 20, 2006
lame, ppl called it... that's what i was told, to visit only on their death anniversaries and festivals. It's my religion anyway.. Now things are ugly, the nasty comments abt whose fault.. whatever it is, it may be my fault for not spending time and making effort plus i'm not trying to find excuses for myself for not visiting her...
Whatever i said have become bullshit.. sometimes ppl have to be more empathetic and undersand ppl's situation before making comments. Being responsible is a moral value that was instilled to me since young.
Whatever it is.. Things have already came to this stage.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
thoughts kept running thru my mind as though they are in marathon. Quarrels, conflicts, ugly scenes.. None of these things actually happened in the 3 years of poly we went thru together.. We had disagreements during project meetings, but we all noe when to take a step back. But this time i think i really took everything for granted. In one of the modules i studied, it taught us that there's always a cycle in twam building. Forming, Norming, Storming, Resolving. Once, i told my friends that my poly clique had never gone thru the storming stage, whereby we will quarrel, trying to sort our differences and trying to come back together to accept each other. My professor said that only teams which went thrru this cycle will be able to cope and adapt with future changes. It seems what he said is true. Theories had come alive.
We were once so close, went thru the tough time together, celebrated everyone's birthday with big big smiles and hugs. We used to be very open to each other, we talked abt everything under the sun. Once i said to someone, 5 of us, 2 pairs of best friends, and i noe they have tried not to leave me out. No matter what, i'm too sensitive to feel absolutely alright abt it. Perhaps as what she mentioned, the problems have alwayz been there, juz that we chose to leave it unresolved and untouched. I dunno if others think the same way as me, but i'm glad that things are clear too me and i came to realised that what i did had indeed hurt many of u. Perhaps the main cause of all these are by me, when things are clear, things can be resolved. To me, friends are suppose to be open to each other, point out things in life and hope to sort out the differences and problems.. that least that's my thinking... ALthough I dunno how long that will take, and i dunno if this day will ever come by, i hope things wll be better, things will be alright.
I noe all these will be hard, coz we indeed have different school of thoughts. Communication seems to be a problem now. No matter what, memories will alwayz stay, coz i want them too. But life still goes on, the sun still rise and set. Perhaps i'm far too practical abt my life but I'm really not trying to say that all these are trifle matters which i dun even care. But that, things have come to a stage whereby what i said have inevitably became excuses. Action speaks louder than words, ppl had always repeating this phrase over and over again, trying to tell ppl to stop talking, and start to do something. But things are already a fact, it doesn't mean that i dun care when i dun follow what u all do. I would rather to help her complete her dreams than to keep reminding her that she has left us and she's constantly on our mind. I noe she knows it, all these assurance dun help, at least not in this instance. All these are my views and i dun mean that ppl have to agree with me too. Juz that all i wan is to get a good degree to repay my parent's hardwork, to secure me a good future as well as to tell her that i've did it.
agree or disagree, they all dun matter to me anymore, coz i noe where i'm heading towards and trying to make my way to achieve the goals. Selfish and self-centered it may seems, but it doesn't seems to me that way, coz that's theh best thing i could ever do to repay my parents for trying to scrimp and save every cent for me to further my studies.. It's not easy for them and i wun juz scrap thru things which i've already promised them, her and myself..
Monday, July 17, 2006
Nothing more i wan to say.. dun understand means dun understand.. i dun understand nor can u all.. juz let things be..
No matter what i juz hope to say, i heard from those elders and my shifu that once someone is gone, we can't keep goin to visit them, is bad for the deceased. I duno how true is it, but that's what he told us when my uncle passed away.. I'm not trying to find an excuse for myself.. i juz trying to let this thing known..
enough said, whatever it is, let it be.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
things finally are clear to me.. let's start from the start when she got an accident. I noe i hasn't been there when you all waited for her outside the wards etc. I noe i wasn't there on her last journey with us.. But i did mentioned to u all, didn't i? I'm not putting in effort, but can u all at least understand my situation before u all judge me. I am in the wrong, i noe, but i indeed rushing projects, trying hard to finish, so that i could attend her funneral. On 3rd feb, the day she left, it's the twins' birthday. It's no excuse i noe. But i juz hate to see everyone crying there.. i dunno why i choose to leave and it's my fault, i noe. On the 7th Feb, hehr last journey with us, u mentioned, I was having my test at 12pm sharp. it is a test i can't miss it. You all think that i've easy time with myself for not sending her off for the last time? I've got teerrible results too okie, 3/15.. then projects keep coming on and off... I lost a friend, i noe, and i am sad... But a project is in groups of 5 and even 6.. I can't be not doin my part and dragging everyone down...
Visits you all went down.. i onli remember u all telling me taht u all goin down on her actual birthday.. I really really dun wan to go down to mandai.. i really really dun wan to see the niche.. can u all understand.. i dunno how to explain why i din wan to see the niche.. but i really really dunno how to react when i see the photo on the niche..
The last semester was really very tough for me.. the numbers of public hols gave me endless of make up lessons.. and i'm studying things which i dun even noe what i'm studying.. speechless.. i dunno what to say, not that i feel totally guility for it.. but sometimes, i juz dunno how to tell u all everything at one shot, why i really wan to do well in studies, why i chose not to face the cold niche on the wall. Forget it.. everything was my fault at first.. since i'm now opening the wound, i din wan to make things so difficult for all of u.. and what i say, u all will think are excuses.. but i was indeed caught up by many unexpected and last min projects and work... I seriously hate my life too.. Juz let things be.. I din wan to make everyone feeling down.
Once, someone said to me that friends are gold. I believed in her. some time ago, another person told me that friends come and go, and i noe it's the truth. But i never noe this truth can be so painful.
Couldn't get to sleep after having a small chat with jinhui. He left me with many thoughts to ponder over, many choices and paths which is now open to me. I noe i'm a heartless freak on earth who dun give a damn abt friends, at least i noe they do agree with me. I alwayz thought things are the same, juz that meeting ups are not frequent. But now, everything seems to me that i'm the one who made all these happened. It is not that they are too busy to meet up, it is that i'm slowly drifting away from them. I dunno when does all this began, which i believe is no longer impt. The most impt thing is that i should try to shift back. I dunno if there's still room for me, but at least i told myself that i would try.
Sometimes, ppl really do judge things from what they see, how superficial are human beings. I can't blame them, coz i didn't open myself up to them in the first place. Now, i hope everything is not too late and i noe they might juz hate me and din wan to be in contact with me. We are taught to be sympathetic, but how many ppl master that? Not many i guess.
Now i noe there's something goin on, and i should be liable for it, for not sharing and caring enough. Sometimes i really hate SMU coz i find it difficult to cope with it. I'm lucky to have brenda, who is there to study with me, trying to guide each other out along the way. Does ppl noe why i tried so hard, studied so hard in poly and uni? I guess i din share with anyone except for bren and louis. I studied hard in poly to get into uni. Now i got into Uni, i studied hard to repay my parents for their continuous effort in trying to scrimp and save every cent for me to study. it wasn't easy, at least for my family, to pay that atrocious $6400 per annum. Things got difficult and worse when the expenses in SMU is extremely high.
As for weiling, i noe i'm being a coward, trying to run away from reality and life. I've faced far too many deaths in my life. Ever since i got to noe what's the real world is happening, my grandma passed away. I was even bewildered that everyone around me was crying their hearts out. Then, followed by my grandmother's death, something that made me realise how sickening life can be. it's the first time i saw my mum cried in front of me.. The time when i wun forget how they wheeled my grandma's coffin into that big furnace, and lighted it up with fire.. I wasn't prepared for this, and i never expected this. Well.. traumatized, i could say. Then, juz when i tot those old aged family memebers have already left me, and there shouldn't be anyone who will bid me goodbye, i lost my uncle overnite. I saw him fell in front of me from a chair, suffering from a stroke. His bloodshot eyes and the reddened skin as though he was on fire. I picked up the stupid damn phone to page for an ambulance. Brain dead. They declared. Several years have passed, but i'm still crying. Next, came weiling. The same thing, brain dead. She left us overnight too.. I hate mandai, i hate lim chu kang. I hate to visit the tombs and niches. they remind me of the painful past. How each of them left me. Staring at those familiar faces which i onced see them, hugged them, Does anyone can feel the pain and agony each niche brings me? Perhaps everyone will be sad, it's juz how ppl handle things.. But i'm sorry, i dunno how to handle my emotions well. I din wan to cry out in front of everyone to make everyone sad. Once, I tried to hold back my tears, held my auntie tightly in my arms, telling her that everything was goin to be alright. I appeared to be emotionless, but who seen my wet pillows in the nite, the pile of tissues with my tears. No one will see them, coz i dun intend to let anyone noes..
Is not that i dun miss them, it was that i dunno how to face them, face the cold photos on the niches and tombs, reminding of each painful experience. I''m praying for her, every other nite.. i swear i did and i noe she noes..
I guess they wun even care abt my pathetic blog, coz i'm blocked out of their mind.. At least i wrote out how i feel, trying to coax myself to sleep. One day, i will sort things out with them.. Coz they are indeed very important and i'm sorry for taking them for granted... I really hope that apologies still work, explanations still accepted. I dunno how to go abt doin it, but i promised myself that i would try.. I'm sorry.
Friday, July 14, 2006
My dear huiling wanted some photos for my birthday and the reason i din upload is because many of them are still with my cousin in her digital camera.. haha.. so here are only a small part of the photos.. haha.. nvm lahz.. take this as a preview..
I really need to thank my cousins and everyone who tried to make my day special... I received many many keys to freedom on my birthday by my mum and my cousins..My uncles and aunties gave the most traditional gift -Hongbao, then i got gifts like body shop stuff and necklaces.... then louis got me a new Hp.. Weichuan sent me a birthday card and adrian sent me flowers.. everyone has made my day special.. and many many happy birthday messages which had never failed to remind me that it was my birthday.. haha.. Shixiu actually msged me at 12.02am .. haha.. good bro!! haha..
Well.. I'm happy and very very happy indeed for all those surprises which people such as my family, boyfriends, friends and even some very old friends, had planned out for me.. As for my ancient friend, Mr Diwei, I knew him since primary one.. haha.. and we had been in the same sch and even polytechnic!! haha..
arghh.. enough of all those craps.. here are some of the photos and i will post more when i got them from my cousin..
Oh ya.. I couldn't take a photo of my phone as i'm taking photos with my phone.. but i relaly love my phone!! Thankew my dear for the phone and memory card!! hehee...
I love all of you.. hahaa.. and my cousins who stuffed cake into my mouth to choke me!! and then messing my face with the stupid whipped cream.. I still love all of u!!!
Sunday, July 09, 2006
celebrated my birthday on saturday with my family. Wanted to invite friends, but either some cannot make it, or have another party to attend to. ANyway, my party was too last min, so i cancelled it. Nevertheless, I ENJOYED MYSELF so muuuuccch.. haha..
Wanted to meet porkies and company, but some din reply, some were busy, so juz forget it.. sometimes, i should be contented that i have my family to celebrate for me.. and so many of my relative came. Yesterday, my ancient friend, diwei msged me!! haha.. i actually forgot to tell him hat i cancelled the celebration ahhaa... poor diwei.. and i really thank him for that "heart" ..
I feel bad for not being able to attend rach's party as i got to prepare for mine... will meet her some day to pass her present..
sometimes, i feel that i really dunno how to maintain friendship.. i dunno why.. but it's the truth.. there are so many things that disappoint me so much that i feel liek giving up..
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
This afternoon, made a trip down to dohby ghaut, as i was walking down a path leading to park mall shopping centre, i thought of weiling. After our year 2 final exam, the porkies went to ghengis khan buffet to relax for a while. On that same path, weiling piggybacked me. She used to brag that she was strong. Yes, she was strong indeed. We played along that path, laughing and giggling as we walked. but things have changed... and i hate that change..
well... i went to exchange the wireless modem and got so pissed off with singnet.. they wanted to charge me 65 dollars for that 10 mins installation of modem.. what the hell.. in the end i managed to install it in less than 15 mins too.. wah kaoz.. liek that i save 65 bucks... stupid singnet..
well well well.... i've got to change my eternet modem as well as the plug is spoilt!!! i spoilt it!!... stupid me.. anyway, i was suppose to work today and she actually told me that i was the reserved and i'm not working today. I really wonder why she draw up the bloody schedule when she actually dun follow it.. haiz...
I got myself another job.. one that i can do after this job ends. Not bad not bad... ArghHh... louis is too busy to meet up with me.. haiz.. i want to see my boyfriend...
life is in a mess now.. i'm an idiot who spoil everything, anything which my hands touches.. Magic.. yes.
I'm whining like a baby, but i'm whining to nobody but myself.. no one is free or there to juz listen to my whines.. came online and managed to get weichuan and some other friends to tok to.. thankew...
No mood to blog.. and i dunno what to blog.. my life is in a mess now.. nothing is right, not my timetable, not my work, not my life.. everything is screwed up...
Saturday, July 01, 2006
I'm sooooo bored... having terrible moodswings...
i've got serious insomnia that i actually got up at 3.30 am to paint my toe nails, looking thru my photo album. I looked at how fat i was when i'm young, to the little lishan who performed on stage, to the nerd lishan who had this dolly fringe in secondary one. As i flipped thru the pages, my face seems getting rounder as each year pass.. hahaa i dunno why!! Then, i saw my secondary class photos, looking at those faces who i had totally lost contact with. Next, porkies... the complete family photo that we took on our tccc outings, joyce's birthday, and several other occasion. I'm missing you, ger.. Could u juz give me a simple yet the happiest birthday gift that i could ever receive? i juz need u to come to my dreams, all i need from u is two words, "happy birthday"...
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Anyway, I cancelled the birthday celebration and i guess i shall spend it with my family bah, since before i complete my invitation, many of my friends mentioned that they cannot make it. I also dun wan to make my other friends feel out of place as my super big family will out number them.. hahaa.. so i shall juz stick to my family.. will get to meet up with them soon i hope. When jolene, weiyi and bren return, i guess we will have a gathering. Then on the 9th, goin to meet porkies and guys, then on the 7th, pretty rach's birthday. Hmm... can meet up with many ppl in fact. So on the 8th, i shall juz spend my birthday with my ultra big family and louis, if he gets an off day on that day.
I alwayz dream to be like a little princess, to have many many ppl celebrating my birthday with me. Like other families, parents will kiss me on my cheeks, wishing me happy birthday, giving me a pat on my head.. None of these things happen before. As I grow older, these dream seems further away, so far away till I actually told myself to wake up.
Which girl doesn't want to be a princess, to stay pretty with a shiny tiara on her head... but i've learnt, fairy tales are never true, at least for me...
