Dainty Diva
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Got back my comms paper.. i was really very sad... very very sad... juz short of the part where i cry.... Was really moody.. but Wah really funnie lahz.. so many jokes hahaa... funnie funnie... Was really quite pissed with myself.. for getting such damn lousy grades.. will my LTB please give me an A?
Financial statement, balance sheet, cash flow... Accrued liabilities... Accounts receviable... they keep appearing in my mind... I'm so sick of them... I want to get good results... I hate myself for not doing well.. for losing the determination i used to have... the motivation which kept me motivated for my poly life... I need them back... back to me...
Just got home not long ago.... goin to meet brenda later to study again... Oh no... my mind is overworked... yet underpaid... I din get enough sleep... and food.. my weight is goin down.. And now... my pants are loose without the belt... This may be a piece of good news to many girls.. but that seems.. sad to me... coz... I'm ill-treating myself.. =_=""
My dad just asked if i've got enough money.. he should noe my temper... even when i'm broke.. i wun take the money from him.. I dunno why... but that's me.. the stubborn me.. Can he be smarter by depositing the money into my account instead?? I'm really tempted to get the money from him.. All parents should be responsible for child's living expenses.. But to me, it seems that i just couldn't bring myself to get anymore money from my parents.. I hasn't been doin it for years.. and hope that i won't be doin it in future... Argh... time to bath and get out of my house... I'm still feeling feverish... I hate smokers from now on... coz they cause me to have sore throats, cough and asthma... *bleAh*
I'm home finally... after a tiring day with brenda... She was so hardworking todae.. and the 2 of us had this sense of achievement for conquering the part on bonds.. then we went to have our supper... My dear Bren was so cute todae... She tried calling Seng to ask him if he wanted supper.. who noes... she had the wrong number... after telling the person who she is and for at least 2 mins.. she suddenly realised that she was on the phone with another person whom she felt sound like seng.. hahaa... i burst out luffing... So cute bren...
Can't really blame her lahz.. coz she got the new phone and had lost all her old contacts... But i dun remember giving her the wrong no. when she asked me for people contacts ( including seng). Anyway... my face is feeling hot now.. throat is feeling sore... please.. let me get those sore throat or fever after fridae.. after my exam...
My face that scratch is still there.. a red patch on my left cheek... irritating... can it recover before saturdae.. i wan to look nice on sandra's wedding.. I wan to look pretty... Shit.. i think this time i'm really getting fever... damn...
Got to go bed.. have to wake up early in the morning to meet bren in sch.. ArGh.. goin to get my grades for comms tomolo.. i'm praying...
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
had a nice nice sleep of almost 11 hours... long time since i have a good sleep... quite awake.. so I'm now worrying for tonight... My mum insisted i have my dinner at home.. yet she made me so pissed off... She put lots of garlic in that plate of vegetable.. After i vomitted all the vege in my mouth... i asked her if she put garlic in... she say NO... then what the smelly thingy that make mi puke... spoil my appettite.. spoil my day... irritating woman... trying to "smoke" me... She kept telling me not to tell lies since i'm young.. but what abt her... cheater bug... *puKe*
Got to meet bren to study now... i need to study... I guess i did badly for my communication module... sux... Dissappointed with myself...
Monday, November 28, 2005
Had my stats paper todae... was quite alrite... juz hope to have grades of B+ and above... Today is adrian's birthdae... His mum called... but.. i'm really too tired and stressed out to have a dinner.. anyway.. i noe it's my fault... but.. it's juz that i can't persuade myself to go back to the old endless waiting life... when i cried almost everyday... Finally.. i've learnt to put it down.. to see things in a different manner.. Finally walking down a happy way.. and get to noe.. He is standing somewhere far far away, feeling bad and wanting things to be back to normal...
Sunday, November 27, 2005
I've been lying on my bed since 7am... My mind hasn't rest at all... It has been following the clock... ticking and ticking away... I'm really tired... can my mind juz take a rest.. and not working overtime every night... I'm suffering... =(
I fell in love with this song when i first came across it.. I cried when i heard it for the second time.. I'm touched whenever i think of it... Touching and lovely story which can never happen in my life...
~ Love Me ~
I read a note my grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat
And he showed it once to me
He said, Boy, you might not understand
But a long long time ago
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none
But I loved your grandma so
We had this crazy plan to meet
And run away together
Get married in the first town
We came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree
Where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter, and this is what it said . . .
If you get there before I do, don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you . . . love me
I read those words just hours
Before my grandma passed away
In the doorway of a church
Where me and grandpa stopped to pray
I know I never seen him cry
In all my fifteen years
But as he said those words to her
His eyes filled up with tears
If you get there before I do, don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you . . . love me
~ Love Me ~
I read a note my grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat
And he showed it once to me
He said, Boy, you might not understand
But a long long time ago
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none
But I loved your grandma so
We had this crazy plan to meet
And run away together
Get married in the first town
We came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree
Where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter, and this is what it said . . .
If you get there before I do, don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you . . . love me
I read those words just hours
Before my grandma passed away
In the doorway of a church
Where me and grandpa stopped to pray
I know I never seen him cry
In all my fifteen years
But as he said those words to her
His eyes filled up with tears
If you get there before I do, don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you . . . love me
Between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you . . . love me . . .
I'll be loving you . . . love me . . .
was out for studying with bren todae... and sth amazing happened... Bren lost her handphone when the both of us had never leave the table at the same time... weird... we were so shocked when we realised that her phone was gone... good skills... and must be a pro lahz... steal the phone when it's right in front of us... or rather.. we are blur...
got to meet up with bren tomolo to buy her phone and then continue with the stats mania.... was productive today... quite happy abt it... hehee.. hope i can do well for my stats... Louis is sick... hope he can get well soon bah... so sad that we din get to eat supper together when bren and I were seriously craving for supper... hehee...
Anyway... i wan to watch my harry potter... Bren had watched hers.. i will find someone to watch with me... if not i dun mind watching it alone... =)
Saturday, November 26, 2005
... my whole big family is in Jb.. while me.. I'm alone... No lunch.. NO dinner and no notification by them... I din even noe they are going JB todae... Feeling left out... feeling sad... Stupid exams.. Stupid funkie prof.. wonder why he juz can't put in the symbols.. and i dun understand his language..
i'm tired.. feverish and lonely... guess.. it's maggiee tonite again... i hate it.. but i've got to learn to love it....
Friday, November 25, 2005
one.. two ... three... four... five... and it will goes on and on and on.. practically for everynight.. counting each sheep.. fat, skinny, black and white... but the no. once went up to hundred thousands.. I've been losing my sleep.. I can be on my bed for hours... yet I can't get to sleep...
After watching the variety show on Channel 8 yesterdae, i realised that i've got serious serious insomnia. Almost 47% of singaporeans have this insomnia, and why am i inside the 47%?! I hate this... I want back my sleep... the 12 hours of sleep... the lazy me... I no longer want to wake up after 3 hours of sleep... feeling tired yet can't get to sleep... I want my sleep...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
study study study.... it seems that study is my hobby now... balance sheet, income statement, cashflow statement.. Studied quite alot... yet... i juz feel.. i need to buck up a little.... hehee...
Anyway... i will study hard... hehee
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
shitty presentation.. the ever first presentation i got a B for it... i dunno why... but i'm really too gan cheong.. anyway.. i really need to comment on my Teaching Assistance who picked up those grammar mistakes when i'm stuttering... Power.. hahaa.. anyway... I really need to buck up le... I'm really.. quite sad to see the results.. haiz..
Sometimes, I'm wondering.. Am i really make a right choice to go in SMU for further studies.. Since I'm in.. i decided to go for english courses.. phonics and many many more..
i'm determined to brush up my english.. I can sense some of u are luffing... hahaa
The place is so nice.... with ppl from so many countries.. with the fine dining.. haha... I'm juz like a puppet there... in a wrong place.. haha..all my cousins were in gown... nice hairdo.. look so gorgeous and nice.. while me... an ugly duckling there.. i think i realli need to get a gown... coz from todae's dinner.. i can see more and more of my cousins getting married...
For todae... My cousins alone.. there's like 5 tables... haha... thats make up to 50 of them.. hmm.. oh ya... so nice to see my cute little nephew but hate his mum to core.. almost wanted to slap her... How can a person be so rude to pull his son away when someone is tryin to play with him... How can she do this to those elders... No respect for them... bitch.. i hate her..
I'm sitting with a bunch of cousins who are really babarians haha... they wanted to self-serve instead of asking them portioning the food... In the middle of the table... there's this flower with candle decor.. so, in order for him to place the food in the middle of the table... he will need to bring that decor awayz.. so when we asked to place the food on the table.. he said.. "erm... self-serve? " *with the niao face.. haha*
The second dish.. when he goin to place the plate down.. my cousins stopped him again.. and asked for the portion service... hahaa.. this time u can see his face got the 2 words.. " Bu shuang" haha... funnie lahz...
Anyway.. i drank alot of red wine.. plus martell... plus sprite etc... haha... so.. soo... face is red... plus sick... now abit blurz.. hehee... Anyway... Ritz Carlton is a nice place to hold wedding dinner.. is so beautiful and romantic...
Monday, November 21, 2005
After the supper yesterday... i hibernated... sleeping and sleeping... with a slight fever.. with a slight sore throat.. i forced myself to wake up at 1. after brushing my teeth.. i lay on my bed.. wanting to go bath then see doc before i go sch.. yet.. I'm in my lala land... when i woke up.. it's already 3.20... too late... called brenda to do the peer evaluation for me.. but she's at home too.. then called louis.. haha.. he's so kind to do it for me.. so many things to write... such as: what is my role, what is my grp members role.. those grades all those crap.. thanx louis arhz...
Anyway.. I'm hungry... i wanted to eat chee cheong fun... those with prawns one... haiz... tonite.. will act as a puppet again.. i really pray.. to sit with my cousins.. All along in other wedding dinners.. all aunties and uncles will gather in 2 tables.. and all cousins gather in the other 4 tables... haha.. hmm.. i guess everyone will be asking me when i'm goin to get married... haiz..
it's too far for me to think.. it's too scary to think.. coz i dun even noe what the future will be like. I dun wan the future to be what i'm now... i juz need someone who care for me and put effort in the relationship.. but it seems so difficult... If the future were to be similar to today's .. i would rather stay single and be a spinster.. coz.. it's too sad and miserable.. I'm too tired.. too hurt..
I wonder if i really owe him too much in my past lives that i need to repay him in this manner.. or i'm fated not to have a loving bf... Will my future live be like cinderella... living happily with her prince...
Sunday, November 20, 2005
I'm really bored... too bored that.. i kept turning to my blog.. writting this and that...
I even tried painting my nails... but it looks really weird... a nail which is painted pinkish brown? hahaa... nvm lahz... but it looks really sucky...
Todae is the actual dae of my nephew birthdae... hmm.. din manage to get a present for him.. will give him a birthdae cum christmas present instead... I think the best present i can give him will be my maplestory warrior... but i'm not goin to do that.. coz it's no longer mine..
oOpz.. i hate to have that feeling.. but.. I'm really Hungry...
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Went to my nephew and niece birthdae party... it's juz like a battle between girls and boys... It's so tiring... even more tiring than on the csp outing day... Chasing them here and there... worse thing is... they dun seems to understand instructions, advices fall on deaf ears... As a result, accident really happened and a boy broke his tooth... blood on the saw of the playground.. blood all in his mouth.. I'm shocked...
Anyway... had a really nic efamily gathering day.. took a photo for my aunties and uncles present... so sad that some couldn't make it... and had the first "cousin" photo taken... it's all my idea!!! haha... din eat much... onli a bit of beehoon with the curry gravy... my auntie asked me why did i lose so much weight... they thought i'm too stressed or what.. but the fact is.. a person mood can greatly affect my weight... This is the result for the prolong sadness.. and now.. i'm gaining back my weight..
Somehow my cousins opened a bottle of red wine.. and had some liquor.. not bad... at least i'm still awake here typing away.. juz that my face looked as though i'm being slapped before... hhahaa... First time it's like this... wonder why... Todae I'm happy.. Before i got home.. i received an sms from him.. called him juz now and he told me that he will call me later. Let me make this clear... i hate waiting.. and i wun wait anymore.. i'm now goin to rest.. I'm goin to do what i like.. I'm goin to think thru things thoroughly...
Everyone is asking for him.. but.. i dun really mind.. coz it dun seems to matter anymore.
shorter and shorter... my entries are getting shorter and shorter... dunno what to sae... my mum, dad and brother are at my gugu house.. witnessing my cousin's marriage.. but i'm at home... coz my mum forbid me to go.. anyway... goin for a BBQ.. i dun feel liek goin... coz i dun like BBQ... smelly, smoky and oily... I can feel things are changing... I'm really turning into a xiu jie... i can't let this happen...
I want to watch harry potter.. most probably with Bren.. haha.. I want to watch... it seems so nice... =) It seems raining... then no BBQ... then onli buffet.. not a bad idea too... hahaa...
I'm getting on fine... coz i finished my FA project... hehee... so happy.. went to watched emily rose ... wah.. scary lahz... i almost scratched my glasses... anyway... quite nice show...
Went changi for supper... I alwayz wanted to go to the changi hospital to take a look... but... i juz got a feeling that i shouldn't go in.., funnie feeling... anyway.. had nasi lemak and now... my stomach is bloated... hehee.. nice feeling... but fat feeling... hahaa...
A nice day... i can be independent as well....
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
got back my LTB paper yesterdae... was quite alrite... then todae.. got back my comms paper... shit... i'm really disappointed B-.... i never never get that kind of grades before in my poly... together with my presentation and class participation.. i will at most get B... what a disgusting grade... i din wanted that...
Dun feel like eating... from morning till now.. i onli ate a mashed potato... but i'm not hungry... what's happening to me...
Had my presentation todae.... finally LTB IS OVER... i'm so tired.. i noe it's not well done... i noe many ppl are not paying attention... but nvm lahz... we did our best... Now.. i shall concentrate on my FA project...
I was so stressed up for the past week... so after the presentation.. i really feel relaxed.. i can smile.. joke ard with my friends... hand out with them.. go shop for a while and then go for a drink.. sitting down.. talk abt everything under the sun..
This is what my friends can give.. and he can't... I juz dun worth 5 mins of his time.. let alone a day... I said i'll stop missing.. and todae.. i did it... and I'm truly happier...
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I'm tired... totally drained.. Burning midnight oil day after day... I juz need a break... It had been a long since i'm so stressed up... New system.. new friends... new environment.. everything is new... and before i can adapt.. I've come to the end of the 14 weeks of classes... taking a closer step to exams...
Now my life is only me.. i would rather deceive myself that there's no one else is with me.. than to noe.. Someone who is suppose to know me well.. who once swore to be there when i need him.. to be there to love me unconditionally... isn't there when i need him most.. doesn't even bother to say Good NIte to me...
I may seems unreasonable.. to be requesting all this during his exam period.. but is it juz so hard??? How much time will he take to sms me good nite... Though a good nite seems simple.. yet it can make me happy.. Juz a simple thing to make me smile.. yet he chose to let me tear...
From this point on.. I will stop missing you.. coz it really hurts me.. when i get to know that.. U don't...
Monday, November 14, 2005
Here i am... 435am in the morning... JUz finished my 2930 words of journal... stress and tired are all i can sae... I had been sleeping at 4 for like... 5 days?? yesterdae.. I slept at 5 plus 6... what the hell.... projects and projects and projects.. DUnno what more to write.. what more to say.. except that.. I'm working like a bull...
Saturday, November 12, 2005
I admit i'm having PMS... pimples are popping out overnite... I hate them... my stomach is bloated.. i look so fat... oH gosh...
Friday, November 11, 2005
Thanks for all those concerns.. and i finally decided to change my blogskin to sth more cheerful... hahaa...
Juz got back from school.. school is juz like my third home... going back almost 6 days a week.. what the hell... hate it... I've got so many things to do.. but so little time to complete them... I've decided... to finish my everything by tomolo evening and enjoy my sundae!!!
.... But he hasn't call todae.. He muz be busy..
I'm burying myself in those annual reports... in figures.. in assets=Liabilites+ owners' equity. wat the hell... somemore those shares premium and par value... what the hell... i'm goin crazy... balance sheet, income statement, statement of equity, every shit.. and every sheet.. is making a hell out of me..
LEt me ouT... damn... so many reports so many projects... are eating up my weekends.. =(
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I'e waited and waited... i dun even dare to go sleep.. hoping that i'll get a call from him right after the exams.. I'm thinking of having a dinner together after he picked me up on his way back... I'm juz a stupid fool... who kept waiting and waiting.. why am i waiting when ppl dun even bother to call.. even when he had finished his exams.. He din even bother to add sth like dear in front of those harsh questions like Where are you?. I'm so pissed... too pissed that i din want to answer his call.. coz.. i know.. my tears will start failling..
All i get from all those waiitngs are not happiness.. but heart-breaking truth...
Yesterday nite.. i was not sad with him for not calling him.. I thought i'm not waiting.. not waiting for his call anymore.. but.. i came to realised that i'm waiting.. when i finally got onto my bed after receiving an sms from him.. telling me he's not calling...
Thanx louis.. for sending me a goodnite msg on his behalf.. the msg goes like this "Good night n take care! - adrian." Thou is juz a simple msg.. i can feel the sincerity and care.. I'm glad to have him as my frien... but still.. it's juz so diff.. afterall is not sent by adrian.
Slept for 2 hours.. and i'm rattling all sorts of nonsense to my friends... juz becoz i'm lack of sleep..
Till now.. he hasn't call.. though i told myself that i'm not goin to answer his call todae.. but somehow i'm juz like waiting for it.. I'm tired.. i've a 8.30 class tomolo.. yet i'm still sitting upright.. waiting and waiting.. I guess it's time i wake up.. I will need to convince myself... He's not goin to call... dun wait... even if he does.. he will onli sadden me..
I guess.. i'm talking to my frien cum classmate more than him... Slowly i guess i'm getting used to it.. coz.. afterall... i'm not sad anymore..
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Things are not getting well... he can spend 2 hours on soccer but not on me... he can spend so much time sitting there watching the highlights yet forgotten all abt me.. i hate it.. i hate it when he said he was busy.. but he can spend the time on all other things except to be with me.. i hate the kind of feeling.. I'm changing... i'm telling myself.. i'll get used to all this crap... coz.. i noe i can.. one day.. i will be strong enough.. to say no.. to this endless waiting..
Please dun ever call me.. if the call wun even last for 1 min.... please.. coz the time i need to get myself back to the happy me.. needs more than 1 min.. and even hours... Please dun put calling me as a part of the to-do list. Can u juz please place me in ur heart..
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Yesterdae.. it seems thunderstorm to me... i din want to tok to him much... coz..even before i can stop talking, i'm already crying... in the end.. i chose the simple way out.. smsing him when he's asleep.. i wonder if he read them.. but it seems.. sushine after the rain.. though not very very fine.. but it seems better... He gave me a morning sms todae.. which is so unlike him.. perhaps... i'm giving in again.. haiz.. when can i give this relationship up...
Friday, November 04, 2005
i've been waiting and waiting... for him.. yet he msg me telling me he's not goin to meet me... and this time.. i cried... i guess.. wishful thinking on my part.. i shouldn't pin anymore hope on this relationship.
I've been waiting and waiting since 3pm.. i wonder when his paper starts and when his paper will end. I wonder if he's going to meet me for dinner.. I wonder if.. i'm able to meet him.. I'm asking myself so many questions.. too many questions for me to concentrate on my work... he hasn't called, hasn't sms.. hasn't even tell me when his paper goin to end.. Why.. what's happen between us..
I'm really sick of waiting.. but still.. i would rather believed that he will be meeting me than he is not goin to meet me... for that.. i told my mum i'm goin to have my dinner outside.. but.. am i really goin out? am i really able to have my dinner with him?? Having dinner seems a easy and basic things couple do.. but for me.. it seems so hard.. am i realy asking too much???
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I was looking through the friendster... I'm so happy for shixiu that he got himself a pretty, sweet, understanding girl... =) I'm really happy for him.. Wish him all the best... The ger wrote in his testimonies saying that he wun miss her out even when he is busy with army and stuffs... So happy that shixiu had learn how to be more understanding towards gf hahaa...
But now.. i'm stuck here.. alone... no phonecalls, no sms again.. how long muz i wait...
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
he's forever studying studying and studying... to the extend that he can't even spend a mere 5 mins talking to me... how should i feel... happy that he actually worked hard.. or sad.. that i'm juz a nobody to him. All i can do is to wait by my phone. hoping that it will ring in the next second.. hoping that.. he can juz give me a call.. talk to me.. but things are not happening.. and i'm dreaming...
Public holidays... meant to be happy.. joyful, enjoyable day.. but i'm sad.. i need to spend it in school... and when i'm back from sch.. i'm alone.. everyone in my family will be in JB.. will even stay overnite there... While he.. will be muggling.. forever and forever.. perhaps.. my name.. wun even flash past his mind. I'm selfish.. too selfish that I merely hoping to feel he's there for me.. even if it for juz that short 5 mins.. But.. things are not happening..
I'm truly sad.. i felt.. really lonely.. really sad.. no one is there to listen to me.. all i can feel is me and only me.. Not one else is there.. I'm trapped.. trapped in the selfish heart of mine..
oh... this is the worse presentation i've ever had... I'm so dissappointed with myself... my friends told me that it was alrite... i din really screw it up... but i guess i did lahz... hmm... i guess it should be a pass grade.. but i expect more lahz...
Oh ya... my dear Adrian is having his exam now.. i'm really praying hard that he will do well... i noe he had put in all his efforts in studying... I dun wanna see the sad and dissappointed face of his... now... i'm waiting for my stats class... wonder if i'll get back my paper todae....
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Have so projects and presentation coming up.. he is busy with exams... and he can't even spare 5 mins to talk to me... Do you all believe it? He can be inside maple story... when i went in and wanted to play... he's inside. I'm so angry.. i messaged him in maplestory and quit right after that... yet he could reply me almost immediately thru sms...
I would rather.. he dun reply... he juz replied me "Whats the prob wif u.. Is it wrong to study with the com beside me?.. can't i take a look at the screen after i finish doin a qns?" based on this question.. my heart is totaly broken.. i never thought that he will ans me in that way when i juz asking why is the maplestory on when he is studying. and if that's call concentration. If things really come to this stage.. why should i still cry.. why should I shed another tear of saddness...
I'm really very disappointed in this relationship.. utterly disappointed in him..
